I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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