Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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