he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
