my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize