so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
