Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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