6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
