Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
