went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
