Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You are the jesus of drinking
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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