I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize