Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize