I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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