Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm just crazy horny about you
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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