You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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