All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
