i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
