i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
