She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
