Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize