Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
me + whiskey = a bad person
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
