Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
