Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
