I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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