No stitches, just platelets and will power
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
