life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
