my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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