Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
