Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
