Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
