I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
