how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
