I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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