I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
