guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
