I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
