i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
