you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
