At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
