Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
