dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
