so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
