you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
