So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just google imaged poop.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
