I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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