My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
