My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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