guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
