The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
