I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
