I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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