defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
