Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
