I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
