Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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