Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize