Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
