We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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